Searching

Searching Not only is this a delicate image because it was done on newsprint, which is very thin and yellows easily, but it has a vulnerability and an unselfconscious nakedness like many of the others do not have. I feel that this woman is very concentrated on what she is doing, and is thinking of anything but her own bareness. She seems to be intent on finding something that she has lost.

It reminds me of the time when I wore a pair of my mother’s favorite earrings out to a fancy party. They were gold screw back earrings, as neither of us had pierced ears at the time. These earrings were in the shape of a teardrop, a little gold teardrop “cage” containing a single pearl and they would sway with the movement of the wearer. They were a gift to her from my father. She leant them to me with the admonition to be careful not to lose them.

They must have been magic earrings because I felt like the belle of the ball. I danced all night and felt on top of the world, flush and breathless. Finally it came time for the evening to end, and I said my good-byes. I returned home and recounted the nights happenings to my mother. I reached up to take off the earrings and I felt only one. The other one was not there! I felt a panic rising in my belly. This could not be. I had checked them so many times during the evening! I was horrified, hated myself, and the evening’s pleasure drained away in an instant. A darkness engulfed me, and I wanted to die.

My mother was crushed, but tried to be cheerful about it. I could see by the look on her face that it made her sad. I called the party hosts but nothing had been found. I cried and told her how sorry I was. I had lost something precious to my mother and could not get it back. To this day none of the gifts I have given her have been able to erase the guilt I felt for the childish abandon of that night that caused me to lose them so long ago. I still hope beyond hope that the missing earring will turn up some place unexpected and, like the gift must have done when she first received them from my father, bring a rush of joy into my heart.

8 x 10, ink and watercolor on newsprint.


2 Comments to “Searching”  

  1. 1 Dirty Butter

    Oh, I can’t even begin to imagine how crushed you were when you realized you’d lost that earring! Your sadness over that terrible accident comes through in your writing as if it happened yesterday.

    I found your blog while searching for other blogs about Parkinson’s. I’m so sorry to see that PD has stolen such a talent from your father. I’m newly diagnosed, so nothing has been taken from me yet. I’d love for you to come see me at Day by Day with Parkinson’s and Peripheral Neuropathy.

  2. 2 aw

    Thank you for stopping by. I am sorry for your diagnosis, but I know that they are making good progress on early treatment. I will stop by your blog.

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